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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Let's simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:34am

My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:34am

The police never think its as funny as you do.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:34am

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:33am

I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:33am

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:33am

If I drove a UPS truck thereís a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:33am

Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:33am

"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:32am

I donít know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:32am

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:32am

She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:32am

It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:32am

Your selfie would be way better if you weren't in it.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:31am

Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:31am

If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:31am

Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn't have.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:31am

Is it called NASCAR because thatís the way a hillbilly pronounces ďnice car?Ē
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:30am

I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:30am

Sometimes when Iím feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.2.14 @ 11:30am

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