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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iím thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:19pm

ďHave you tried just eating a ton of pizza?Ē- me as a therapist
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:19pm

For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:19pm

Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:18pm

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:18pm

What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:18pm

I'm 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:18pm

Iíve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:18pm

People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:18pm

What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
Messing up a guyís hair = cute. Messing up a girlís hair = putting your life on the line.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn't just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Itís like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn't work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:15pm

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