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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:16pm

There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies to relax the viewers before bed time.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:16pm

Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Halloween status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:15pm

I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:15pm

You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:15pm

I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:15pm

For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:14pm

We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:14pm

Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:14pm

The temperature went from 85 to 60 ... like seeing a State Trooper on the highway.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:13pm

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Getting money for your birthday is like passing ‘Go’ in Monopoly.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:13pm

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:13pm

I got the death stare today when my mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:12pm

Weed is now legal in Canada. In other news, Taco Bell announces 697 new stores in Canada.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:12pm

I was going to cross the fence to see if the grass was greener on the other side. but all I learn was that the fence was electric.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:12pm

So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:12pm

The Pillsbury Doughboy died. The service will be held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:11pm

Every time I buy a pack of toilet paper it's money down the toilet.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:11pm

If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 10.30.18 @ 15:11pm

If it's cold out and you're driving your car with the windows rolled halfway down and you're not smoking, then I'm going to assume you farted.
Posted By: Bob S - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 10.15.18 @ 18:55pm

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