Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature's way of getting you to slap yourself.

Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!

I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I'm cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.

I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.

This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)

I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you're referring to naked twister. I've always got time for that sh!t.

You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.

'LOL' the biggest lie on the internet.

Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol

One thing's for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!

Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who's car I'm borrowing.

You're the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.

Bicyclists, it's one thing to hog the road, but it's quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.

Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.

Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?