My contact lenses fell in the toilet. Now I can't see shit.

"I'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

My tax adviser asked if I had any shares. I told her I have 125 shares in Facebook - and over 1,200 likes.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

My wife said "let's go somewhere expensive tonight!" I'm taking her to the gas station.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Haven't you noticed that all those people in favor of abortion have already been born?

I never thought I'd see the day when a porn star sues the President of the United States for defamation of character...

Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe.

Bored? Broke? Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week? Would you like to earn hundreds of dollars every month? Then get a f*cking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastards.:)

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.

Why does my wife think that giving me the silent treatment is punishment?

Somewhere in Nigeria there's a prince who's depressed because nobody takes his emails seriously.

Decaf actually works like regular coffee if you pour a piping hot cup of it onto your lap.

Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.

Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, you can go back to blaming other things for personal difficulties in life.

Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.

Never nod your head in agreement when you don't fully understand the question. That is how I got married the first time.