I tried standup comedy but got tired and had to sit down.

One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

It's so damn hot out, 2 Hobbits just threw a ring in my backyard!

I held the door for a Millennial today at the convenience store.......he asked me for my phone number so he could text me “thank you”

So I had a romantic candle light dinner with an Amish woman and she acted like it was just an ordinary meal...

This guy was giving me lip, so I flexed on him and the next thing I know I'm laying on the ground with leg cramps.

Gonna make a crossover between Frozen and Twilight and call it Frostbite.

i don't know but i've been told a green grass hopper has a green grass hole

I just bought a microwave bed - 8 hours sleep in 12 minutes

I've hit a wall today, literally.. the brakes went on my bike

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some days I wake up and feel like I have been run over..the fact that I wake up in the road sometimes could be a clue

A lot of people have baggage , including me ..... but at least I don’t own stock in a suitcase’s!

The pollen this year is out of control, after my hour run outside I looked like a giant cotton ball

Have you ever wondered what a clam is thinking while he's being steamed? Like, man!! , its getting really hot in here. Did I fall into a volcano or something??!!

Looks like Batman forgot to pay his power bill,it's gonna be a Dark Knight.

I'm about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a head with no ears

(I'm a guy) Woke up this morning really sick, tired, hot and have a splitting headache. Checked Google for answers and apparently i'm pregnant. Great, that's all i need!

Man is it hot outside. Unfortunately, I didn't take a screenshot of the temperature, nor did I take a picture of my dashboard thermometer so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

at the end of the day - it gets dark

I wonder how Prince Harry feels that at the royal bachelor party, the pound notes that he slips into the stripper's g-string all have pictures of his grandmother.