I just bought a microwave bed - 8 hours sleep in 12 minutes

I've hit a wall today, literally.. the brakes went on my bike

some days I wake up and feel like I have been run over..the fact that I wake up in the road sometimes could be a clue

A lot of people have baggage , including me ..... but at least I don’t own stock in a suitcase’s!

The pollen this year is out of control, after my hour run outside I looked like a giant cotton ball

Have you ever wondered what a clam is thinking while he's being steamed? Like, man!! , its getting really hot in here. Did I fall into a volcano or something??!!

Looks like Batman forgot to pay his power bill,it's gonna be a Dark Knight.

I'm about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a head with no ears

(I'm a guy) Woke up this morning really sick, tired, hot and have a splitting headache. Checked Google for answers and apparently i'm pregnant. Great, that's all i need!

Man is it hot outside. Unfortunately, I didn't take a screenshot of the temperature, nor did I take a picture of my dashboard thermometer so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

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at the end of the day - it gets dark

I wonder how Prince Harry feels that at the royal bachelor party, the pound notes that he slips into the stripper's g-string all have pictures of his grandmother.

Flies only live for 24 hours. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those ones magically live forever!

My contact lenses fell in the toilet. Now I can't see shit.

"I'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

My tax adviser asked if I had any shares. I told her I have 125 shares in Facebook - and over 1,200 likes.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

My wife said "let's go somewhere expensive tonight!" I'm taking her to the gas station.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Haven't you noticed that all those people in favor of abortion have already been born?