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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My contact lenses fell in the toilet. Now I can't see shit.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 05.18.18 @ 08:06am

"I'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 05.16.18 @ 12:06pm

My tax adviser asked if I had any shares. I told her I have 125 shares in Facebook - and over 1,200 likes.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 05.16.18 @ 12:04pm

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 05.4.18 @ 07:51am

My wife said "let's go somewhere expensive tonight!" I'm taking her to the gas station.
Posted By: Pete H - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 05.2.18 @ 09:45am

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 05.1.18 @ 22:38pm

Haven't you noticed that all those people in favor of abortion have already been born?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 05.1.18 @ 10:39am

I never thought I'd see the day when a porn star sues the President of the United States for defamation of character...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.30.18 @ 12:12pm

Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 04.29.18 @ 03:02am

Bored? Broke? Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week? Would you like to earn hundreds of dollars every month? Then get a f*cking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastards.:)
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 04.29.18 @ 00:38am

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 04.21.18 @ 12:58pm

In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 04.21.18 @ 07:58am

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 04.20.18 @ 13:52pm

Why does my wife think that giving me the silent treatment is punishment?
Posted By: Bear - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.19.18 @ 19:29pm

Somewhere in Nigeria there's a prince who's depressed because nobody takes his emails seriously.
Posted By: sage - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.18.18 @ 15:25pm

Decaf actually works like regular coffee if you pour a piping hot cup of it onto your lap.
Posted By: sage - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 04.17.18 @ 09:13am

Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.16.18 @ 16:10pm

Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, you can go back to blaming other things for personal difficulties in life.
Posted By: sage - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.16.18 @ 08:56am

Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.16.18 @ 08:13am

Never nod your head in agreement when you don't fully understand the question. That is how I got married the first time.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 04.14.18 @ 14:47pm

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