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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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I eat out alone. A lot. And yet the hostess always asks if its a table for two. So now I just smile knowingly and whisper "Can you see her too?"
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:51pm

Lately while travelling I have begun telling the cashier at Starbuck's that my name is Spartacus. When moments later an unsuspecting barista completes my order and timidly says "Spartacus?," I pounce. "I AM SPARTACUS!" I boom in my outside voice.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:50pm

Next time you're in line at an amusement park, turn, make eye contact with the person behind you and say "This is the ride that killed Jimmy."
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:49pm

A friend of mine texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" Unfortunately, post autocorrect my response was "Moo!" I feel I'm the victim here but try telling that to a woman you just mooed at.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:49pm

In my opinion, the perfect crime is pulling off a bacon heist. After all, money isn't always the most important thing in life.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 05:41am

A guy just knocked on my door asking for donations to the local swimming pool! I gave him a glass of water, and he started yelling at me!!! What did I do wrong?
Posted By: HillaryOk - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 15:09pm

I've plumped up my ass, for the day Karma finally decides to bite me in it...
Posted By: Jennifer Bosse DiCesare - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 11:40am

I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me...
Posted By: Jennifer Bosse DiCesare - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 11:28am

when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.19.17 @ 12:18pm

Has anyone seen the movie Constipated? No? ...Thats because it hasnt come out yet.
Posted By: Biddzman - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 04.9.17 @ 10:08am

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
Condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Posted By: Bear - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 04.8.17 @ 18:08pm

I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.5.17 @ 11:01am

You know that trick where you pull the table cloth off and the glass still stays on the table? Tried that with a yoga mat. Wife's pissed
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.5.17 @ 10:59am

Have you ever seen a baby horse trying to stand for the first time? That's what I look like getting out of bed in the morning.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.5.17 @ 10:58am

Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.29.17 @ 08:40am

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 03.28.17 @ 01:24am

If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 03.23.17 @ 17:24pm

They say that every time you walk into a bar, the devil walks in with you. To that I say: He'll buy his own dam drinks!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 03.23.17 @ 14:31pm

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now.
Posted By: Bear - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 03.21.17 @ 05:11am

Social media is one of the few scenarios where people enjoy being followed by strangers.
Posted By: Sage - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 03.13.17 @ 23:31pm

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