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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My fake plants died, because i didn't pretend to water them..
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.17.16 @ 10:46am

When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 07.14.16 @ 21:21pm

It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 07.14.16 @ 10:40am

I'm going to invent a phone app where you go around capturing snails instead of Pokemon action figures. I'm gonna call it "Escar Go".
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 07.14.16 @ 09:53am

If the answer isn't chocolate, you're asking the wrong question.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 07.14.16 @ 09:22am

Research says that it costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 07.14.16 @ 07:50am

I find that if you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up immediately. #thedailyjefft (More at thedailyjeff.net)
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 07.13.16 @ 07:43am

Well, I got caught doing Donuts in the Police Station parking lot. The Cops said I had to go eat'em somewhere else.........
Posted By: dave - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 07.11.16 @ 18:28pm

I am Physically Fit. Well, what I mean is that I am going to "physically fit" this entire Cupcake into my mouth...................
Posted By: dave - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 07.11.16 @ 16:26pm

I've heard life is like a box of chocolates, well it's not its more like a box of candy coated horsesh!t
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 07.11.16 @ 09:23am

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
We have GPS that can accurately navigate you across the country within 3 feet of where you want to be. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you where your reading glasses are? #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 07.11.16 @ 08:00am

Good thing I recorded the fireworks last year. I just stayed in bed and watched it last night.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 07.5.16 @ 11:46am

Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."
Posted By: Barber - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.3.16 @ 08:34am

Police are looking for two men lost in a canoe.....Must be a pretty big canoe
Posted By: robert - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.2.16 @ 15:06pm

What do I call it when your crush has a crush on you......"IMAGINATION"...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.2.16 @ 12:23pm

Whenever I hear people say we learn from our mistakes I wonder why we have to go to school after all we can stay at home and make mistakes and claim we are learning
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.2.16 @ 07:49am

When ordering a delivery online and I see the notes box, I put "Slay the dragon, cross moat and sound the trumpets!"
Posted By: Just Sage - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.1.16 @ 05:31am

I thanked my wife for loving me even though I had millions of faults. She replied “It isn’t millions.” Well played Linda, well played. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 06.24.16 @ 08:23am

The definition of irony: The state motto for New Hampshire is "Live Free or Die" which appears on license plates made by prisoners. (Jon Stewart) #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 06.24.16 @ 08:18am

apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 06.21.16 @ 12:11pm

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