Sunday is Mother's Day. Be sure you thank her for womb & board......

A wife entered the kitchen to find her husband stalking with a fly swatter. Wife "What are you doing". Husband "Killing flies." Wife " Have you killed any?" Husband "Yep, 3 males and 2 females". Wife " How can you tell which is which?" Husband "3 was on a beer can and 2 was on the phone".

Fifty shades of grey review: If you take away all the naughty bits, its a story about two idiots.

That moment when someones likes a very old Facebook post of yours and you're like "How dare you going through my stuff?"

They said "Fight fire with fire". So I took a Laxative for Diarrhea.......

"Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.

I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction. But it's not hard.

Just washed my entire car with the squeegee at the Riverview Kangaroo gas pump. The white haired lady on the register gave me the prune face and banged on the store window the entire time. She's always been a hateful thing. Just wait till I rinse — she's going to freak!

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…Oreos.

If you stare in a mirror and say Publix three times in a row a woman in gray yoga pants will appear.

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.

Apparently driving through Red Bank drinking water from an empty Vodka bottle isn't a damn bit funny.

I don't know if the lady in front of me at Starbucks is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia -- not in so many words, but I could tell what that smug elitist was thinking.

My buddy's wife said that my narcissism caused me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Each year, dozens of nearsighted men must squint painfully at the latest mounting of La Bohème because they just cannot afford new platinum opera glasses with vulcanized rubber eyepieces. Oh, what an affront to basic dignity!

Started a new diet today. For breakfast two almonds. At lunch I lick an apple. And for dinner I yell at a picture of myself naked.

I saw some idiot on the tread mill this morning put a water bottle where the Pringles can goes.

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.