How do you make Holy Water? Boil the Hell out of it.

It's been a rough day... I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Picked up a book and the cover ripped off... I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to make a chicken salad...........and then I'll probably make me one too.

I remember 2016 like it was yesterday.

God, i haven't been on facebook since last year.

My wife just informed me that we have been out of toothpaste for two days, now I am wondering what the heck I thought was toothpaste for the last 48 hours......................

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

"Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

Relatable Food Moment: This taste terrible!!. . . . continues eating

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Why are there more horses' asses than there are horses?

It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm skitsofrenic and so am I.

...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the Christmas period!

A man is usually at his sexual peak, when his neighbor's bathroom window is open.

A journey of a thousand miles..............., begins with a couple of felonies and being featured on America's Most Wanted

When I was a kid I wanted to be Super Man, now I just want to be "Supper Man"...................

You say "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" like there are other types of Ex-Girlfriends..................

God is really creative,i mean..just look at me:)

Stuck in traffic, but luckily a few people are honking their horns, so we'll be moving any second now