My credit is so bad the bank wouldn't even loan me a pen to sign my check.

When you like your own FB statue to show others that it was a good post.

My sex life have become so non-existent that I welcome sexual harrasent between 9am-5pm during business hours

Apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn't the best response... Who knew??

I'd share a joke about affordable healthcare but not everyone will get it.

My business is not your business. So unless your my thong, don't be up my ass.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I went to the doctor to get my yearly exam today. The doctor told me I was going to have to quit masturbating. Not understanding the harm and in total disbelief I asked my doctor why. He yelled at me "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Men are like linoleum, if you lay them right you can walk on them for 30 years.

Feeling ripped off !!! I just sat down to have some breakfast and realize ALL my Alphabits are "O"s .......... OOPS , never mind I grabbed the Cheerios by mistake .

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

Was out drinking today then I took the bus home. Might not seem like a big deal to you but I never drivin a bus before!

My parents are always bragging about how the things they did in their life were so perfect, yet here i am

I went vegan for two hours today. Then I had a steak after my two hour nap.

so I asked this frenchman if he liked video games; he said "wii"

I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

I'm not funny. I'm very mean and people think I'm joking

Life would be a lot easier if people had a tail so you can see whether or not it's wagging after you did or said something.

Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

Life is like a bowl of soup, you only get blown if you're hot.

Camping out - is when you spend lots of money to look homeless.