I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction. But it's not hard.

Just washed my entire car with the squeegee at the Riverview Kangaroo gas pump. The white haired lady on the register gave me the prune face and banged on the store window the entire time. She's always been a hateful thing. Just wait till I rinse — she's going to freak!

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…Oreos.

If you stare in a mirror and say Publix three times in a row a woman in gray yoga pants will appear.

The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.

Apparently driving through Red Bank drinking water from an empty Vodka bottle isn't a damn bit funny.

I don't know if the lady in front of me at Starbucks is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia -- not in so many words, but I could tell what that smug elitist was thinking.

My buddy's wife said that my narcissism caused me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

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Each year, dozens of nearsighted men must squint painfully at the latest mounting of La Bohème because they just cannot afford new platinum opera glasses with vulcanized rubber eyepieces. Oh, what an affront to basic dignity!

Started a new diet today. For breakfast two almonds. At lunch I lick an apple. And for dinner I yell at a picture of myself naked.

I saw some idiot on the tread mill this morning put a water bottle where the Pringles can goes.

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

You probably already know this but if not you can thank me later. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you’re in the shower, smack your bottom and then steal your clothes and towel. To change this option, go to Privacy Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings > Smacking and Stealing Settings, and uncheck the Shenanigans box.

Many people don't realize that you can actually read something with which you don't agree and just move right on along with your life. Morons!

I eat out alone. A lot. And yet the hostess always asks if its a table for two. So now I just smile knowingly and whisper "Can you see her too?"

Lately while travelling I have begun telling the cashier at Starbuck's that my name is Spartacus. When moments later an unsuspecting barista completes my order and timidly says "Spartacus?," I pounce. "I AM SPARTACUS!" I boom in my outside voice.

Next time you're in line at an amusement park, turn, make eye contact with the person behind you and say "This is the ride that killed Jimmy."

A friend of mine texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" Unfortunately, post autocorrect my response was "Moo!" I feel I'm the victim here but try telling that to a woman you just mooed at.