One night I was in bed and looked up to the stars. I thought to my self where the hell is the roof

People on Facebook think I’m a nice guy, it’s true...You can be anything online

Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.

I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

Now that i have lost weight is it a wise choice to buy new jeans or put the weight back on?

I won the dry t-shirt contest at church camp, said no one ever.

Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

you will always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange

Dear Refrigerator, I'll be back in half an hour. Please go shopping... Sincerely, hungry.

The Homerun Derby would be a lot more interesting if, instead of kids, they had a bunch of drunken 40 year old men chasing after the fly balls.

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I tried standup comedy but got tired and had to sit down.

One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

It's so damn hot out, 2 Hobbits just threw a ring in my backyard!

I held the door for a Millennial today at the convenience store.......he asked me for my phone number so he could text me “thank you”

So I had a romantic candle light dinner with an Amish woman and she acted like it was just an ordinary meal...

This guy was giving me lip, so I flexed on him and the next thing I know I'm laying on the ground with leg cramps.

Gonna make a crossover between Frozen and Twilight and call it Frostbite.

i don't know but i've been told a green grass hopper has a green grass hole

I just bought a microwave bed - 8 hours sleep in 12 minutes

I've hit a wall today, literally.. the brakes went on my bike