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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction. But it's not hard.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.26.17 @ 04:47am

Just washed my entire car with the squeegee at the Riverview Kangaroo gas pump. The white haired lady on the register gave me the prune face and banged on the store window the entire time. She's always been a hateful thing. Just wait till I rinse — she's going to freak!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:04pm

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…Oreos.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:02pm

If you stare in a mirror and say Publix three times in a row a woman in gray yoga pants will appear.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:02pm

The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:01pm

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:00pm

Apparently driving through Red Bank drinking water from an empty Vodka bottle isn't a damn bit funny.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:59pm

I don't know if the lady in front of me at Starbucks is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:57pm

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia -- not in so many words, but I could tell what that smug elitist was thinking.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:56pm

My buddy's wife said that my narcissism caused me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:56pm

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Each year, dozens of nearsighted men must squint painfully at the latest mounting of La Bohème because they just cannot afford new platinum opera glasses with vulcanized rubber eyepieces. Oh, what an affront to basic dignity!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:55pm

Started a new diet today. For breakfast two almonds. At lunch I lick an apple. And for dinner I yell at a picture of myself naked.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:54pm

I saw some idiot on the tread mill this morning put a water bottle where the Pringles can goes.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:54pm

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:53pm

You probably already know this but if not you can thank me later. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you’re in the shower, smack your bottom and then steal your clothes and towel. To change this option, go to Privacy Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings > Smacking and Stealing Settings, and uncheck the Shenanigans box.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:52pm

Many people don't realize that you can actually read something with which you don't agree and just move right on along with your life. Morons!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:51pm

I eat out alone. A lot. And yet the hostess always asks if its a table for two. So now I just smile knowingly and whisper "Can you see her too?"
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:51pm

Lately while travelling I have begun telling the cashier at Starbuck's that my name is Spartacus. When moments later an unsuspecting barista completes my order and timidly says "Spartacus?," I pounce. "I AM SPARTACUS!" I boom in my outside voice.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:50pm

Next time you're in line at an amusement park, turn, make eye contact with the person behind you and say "This is the ride that killed Jimmy."
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:49pm

A friend of mine texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" Unfortunately, post autocorrect my response was "Moo!" I feel I'm the victim here but try telling that to a woman you just mooed at.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:49pm

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