My favorite part about Halloween is seeing all the confused Jehovah's Witnesses wandering around, wondering why people keep giving them candy!

I never realized how many orphaned highways we have until I noticed all the signs of people who've proudly adopted them.

A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I forgot

My girlfriend wanted me to take her somewhere expensive for dinner so I took her to the grocery store

Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell. They're nacho friend!

The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

I told my doctor I think I have sleep apnea. He asked if I was always tired. Yes. Do you fall asleep during sex? No, but she does.

Calm down mechanic guy. I'm just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I would turn down the radio.

I remember having wild parties drinking , drugs and doing dumb things, when I went to school, Now that I think about it, I was homeschooled

I like watching porn in Closed Caption. They way those people in CC world has to type all those moans, groans and dirty words out....

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

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In the news: A seafood restaurant owner in Maine has been giving marijuana to her lobsters to keep them calm before boiling them. For the record, I’ve had stoned crab before but never stoned lobster.

"The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit-storm that's coming."

Can you block FB's, Sugested friends list. Asking for a friend, of a freind of a friend, for a friend. I don't want.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Wait, I mean have a great first day kids.

dont give up to your dream, keep sleeping

Dating a slim girls is very risky we dont know either she come for food or real love

i think instead of''LOL''i am going to go with''SALTS''(smiled a little then stopped)it,s more truthful.

The CEO of NASCAR was arrested for DWI. I bet the police found him driving really fast in circles.

Mallzheimers: When you go to the mall and later forget where you parked your car.

The inventor of throat lozenges has passed away. There will be no coffin at his funeral