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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Facebook - The only place in the world you can be Social while being Anti-Social.
Posted By: Moon - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.21.17 @ 07:45am

Sunday is Mother's Day. Be sure you thank her for womb & board......
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 05.10.17 @ 11:15am

A wife entered the kitchen to find her husband stalking with a fly swatter. Wife "What are you doing". Husband "Killing flies." Wife " Have you killed any?" Husband "Yep, 3 males and 2 females". Wife " How can you tell which is which?" Husband "3 was on a beer can and 2 was on the phone".
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 05.9.17 @ 12:17pm

Fifty shades of grey review: If you take away all the naughty bits, its a story about two idiots.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 05.4.17 @ 03:44am

That moment when someones likes a very old Facebook post of yours and you're like "How dare you going through my stuff?"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 05.1.17 @ 09:31am

They said "Fight fire with fire". So I took a Laxative for Diarrhea.......
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 04.29.17 @ 06:01am

"Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.27.17 @ 20:24pm

I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction. But it's not hard.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.26.17 @ 04:47am

Just washed my entire car with the squeegee at the Riverview Kangaroo gas pump. The white haired lady on the register gave me the prune face and banged on the store window the entire time. She's always been a hateful thing. Just wait till I rinse — she's going to freak!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:04pm

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…Oreos.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:02pm

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
If you stare in a mirror and say Publix three times in a row a woman in gray yoga pants will appear.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:02pm

The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:01pm

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:00pm

Apparently driving through Red Bank drinking water from an empty Vodka bottle isn't a damn bit funny.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:59pm

I don't know if the lady in front of me at Starbucks is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:57pm

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia -- not in so many words, but I could tell what that smug elitist was thinking.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:56pm

My buddy's wife said that my narcissism caused me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:56pm

Each year, dozens of nearsighted men must squint painfully at the latest mounting of La Bohème because they just cannot afford new platinum opera glasses with vulcanized rubber eyepieces. Oh, what an affront to basic dignity!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:55pm

Started a new diet today. For breakfast two almonds. At lunch I lick an apple. And for dinner I yell at a picture of myself naked.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:54pm

I saw some idiot on the tread mill this morning put a water bottle where the Pringles can goes.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:54pm

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