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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 13:00pm

Apparently driving through Red Bank drinking water from an empty Vodka bottle isn't a damn bit funny.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:59pm

I don't know if the lady in front of me at Starbucks is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:57pm

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia -- not in so many words, but I could tell what that smug elitist was thinking.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:56pm

My buddy's wife said that my narcissism caused me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:56pm

Each year, dozens of nearsighted men must squint painfully at the latest mounting of La Bohème because they just cannot afford new platinum opera glasses with vulcanized rubber eyepieces. Oh, what an affront to basic dignity!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:55pm

Started a new diet today. For breakfast two almonds. At lunch I lick an apple. And for dinner I yell at a picture of myself naked.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:54pm

I saw some idiot on the tread mill this morning put a water bottle where the Pringles can goes.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:54pm

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:53pm

You probably already know this but if not you can thank me later. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you’re in the shower, smack your bottom and then steal your clothes and towel. To change this option, go to Privacy Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings > Smacking and Stealing Settings, and uncheck the Shenanigans box.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:52pm

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
Many people don't realize that you can actually read something with which you don't agree and just move right on along with your life. Morons!
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:51pm

I eat out alone. A lot. And yet the hostess always asks if its a table for two. So now I just smile knowingly and whisper "Can you see her too?"
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:51pm

Lately while travelling I have begun telling the cashier at Starbuck's that my name is Spartacus. When moments later an unsuspecting barista completes my order and timidly says "Spartacus?," I pounce. "I AM SPARTACUS!" I boom in my outside voice.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:50pm

Next time you're in line at an amusement park, turn, make eye contact with the person behind you and say "This is the ride that killed Jimmy."
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:49pm

A friend of mine texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" Unfortunately, post autocorrect my response was "Moo!" I feel I'm the victim here but try telling that to a woman you just mooed at.
Posted By: Mike Ward - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 12:49pm

In my opinion, the perfect crime is pulling off a bacon heist. After all, money isn't always the most important thing in life.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 05:41am

A guy just knocked on my door asking for donations to the local swimming pool! I gave him a glass of water, and he started yelling at me!!! What did I do wrong?
Posted By: HillaryOk - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 15:09pm

I've plumped up my ass, for the day Karma finally decides to bite me in it...
Posted By: Jennifer Bosse DiCesare - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 11:40am

I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me...
Posted By: Jennifer Bosse DiCesare - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 11:28am

when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 04.19.17 @ 12:18pm

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