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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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annoy joggers by slowing down and shouting "You should have set off earlier!"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 02.16.15 @ 09:31am

They say you are what you eat. That's funny, because I don't recall eating a f**king legend!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 02.16.15 @ 07:50am

The closest experience I've had to 50 Shades of Grey is when the waiter holds the pepper mill over my food and tells me to SAY WHEN
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.15.15 @ 13:52pm

Make love, not war! ... No.. Actually NO!... Do not make love. It makes kids, it screams and that sucks. Make pancakes. Pancakes are good!.. I really like pancakes.
Posted By: Dimi Tarantino - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.15.15 @ 12:55pm

When I die, I want my right hand to be giving a thumbs up, and my body lowered into melted cheese.
Posted By: DJ - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.15.15 @ 07:30am

The first thing my wife did was to get me to put the toilet seat down. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around with me in the first place. . .
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 02.13.15 @ 15:05pm

I don't know why people get the wrong first impression about me. I am actually more annoying than I appear.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 02.13.15 @ 14:30pm

If you're locked into a conversation and you just HAVE to go ... nod some more, then look deep into the eyes of someone in the group, and say, with absolute sincerety; "Yeah, but at the end of the day - it just gets drk." Then just walk away. I guarantee that you've gone 10 paces before someone asks 'wtf?' but you're outta there
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 02.13.15 @ 08:28am

When I said Qualified, I really meant Committed for Great Psychiatric Care
Posted By: StEvEr - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 02.13.15 @ 08:27am

at the end of the day - it gets dark
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 02.13.15 @ 06:57am

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 02.12.15 @ 19:26pm

I always forget why I don't like fried food until ten minutes after I eat it. Stop tasting so good.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 02.12.15 @ 13:21pm

When they tell you your "BROTHER" printer needs to be blown and you ask them to come blow your "BROTHER".
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 02.12.15 @ 06:20am

Being ugly is not your fault but coming out and scaring people is definetly your fault
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 02.12.15 @ 01:31am

My girlfriend said that if I wanted to sleep with her I would need to get some protection, but she called me an idiot when I showed her my new bulletproof vest. I'm confused.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 02.12.15 @ 00:37am

the only way green tea helps in reducing weight is when u go up in the mountain and pick it yourself
Posted By: tseten - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 02.11.15 @ 19:09pm

I hope Beyonce loses a Grammy to Metallica someday, because watching Lars Ulrich shit-stomp Kanye would be indescribably awesome
Posted By: Jeff - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 02.11.15 @ 17:40pm

New plan for picking up woman. Standing outside the exit door at the ending of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Posted By: BenJammin - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 02.11.15 @ 08:33am

Doesn't Brian Williams seem like the obvious choice to take over for Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show?"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 02.11.15 @ 06:08am

If I ever get Parkinson's disease my plan is to become a gynecologist.
Posted By: guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 02.10.15 @ 17:52pm

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