annoy joggers by slowing down and shouting "You should have set off earlier!"

They say you are what you eat. That's funny, because I don't recall eating a f**king legend!

The closest experience I've had to 50 Shades of Grey is when the waiter holds the pepper mill over my food and tells me to SAY WHEN

Make love, not war! ... No.. Actually NO!... Do not make love. It makes kids, it screams and that sucks. Make pancakes. Pancakes are good!.. I really like pancakes.

When I die, I want my right hand to be giving a thumbs up, and my body lowered into melted cheese.

The first thing my wife did was to get me to put the toilet seat down. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around with me in the first place. . .

I don't know why people get the wrong first impression about me. I am actually more annoying than I appear.

If you're locked into a conversation and you just HAVE to go ... nod some more, then look deep into the eyes of someone in the group, and say, with absolute sincerety; "Yeah, but at the end of the day - it just gets drk." Then just walk away. I guarantee that you've gone 10 paces before someone asks 'wtf?' but you're outta there

When I said Qualified, I really meant Committed for Great Psychiatric Care

at the end of the day - it gets dark

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

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Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

I always forget why I don't like fried food until ten minutes after I eat it. Stop tasting so good.

When they tell you your "BROTHER" printer needs to be blown and you ask them to come blow your "BROTHER".

Being ugly is not your fault but coming out and scaring people is definetly your fault

My girlfriend said that if I wanted to sleep with her I would need to get some protection, but she called me an idiot when I showed her my new bulletproof vest. I'm confused.

the only way green tea helps in reducing weight is when u go up in the mountain and pick it yourself

I hope Beyonce loses a Grammy to Metallica someday, because watching Lars Ulrich shit-stomp Kanye would be indescribably awesome

New plan for picking up woman. Standing outside the exit door at the ending of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Doesn't Brian Williams seem like the obvious choice to take over for Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show?"

If I ever get Parkinson's disease my plan is to become a gynecologist.