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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Jesus performed a lot of miracles, but nobody ever mentions carpentry. They never said “Thanks for the loaves and fishes, but I could really use a TV entertainment center.” What….too soon? #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:57pm

Jews must be excellent drivers. I've driven all across the USA and have never seen a Star of David on a single roadside memorial. Using that same logic, Christians must be crappy drivers. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:56pm

Decided to write a book on parenting but it ended up being full of cocktail recipes. So I'm considering changing the title to "Reasons why Dad is always so happy." #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:56pm

Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls) (J) #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:53pm

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:51pm

Caveman coming out to his parents: "Mom and Dad, I'm a gatherer" #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:50pm

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really sure, but was too worried to ask. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:49pm

Why aren't boner pills called "Addcock?" #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:48pm

I turned my phone on to "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst performer ever! #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:47pm

If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood…..just thinking ... #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:46pm

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
Phrases you don't want connected to your name: morbidly obese, convicted pedophile, and politician. Any others? How about Tea Party Spokesman, creationist, bail, house arrest, "the torso of," disemboweled corpse, partial remains, solicitation, deadbeat, erectile, malpractice, defendant, flatulent, kleptomaniac, disgraced, rectal, decomposed, decapitated, terminal, malignant, president of the Justin Bieber Fab Club, parolee, convicted, unemployed, indigent, corpse, mauled, incontinent, Darwin Award Winner, once-great, departed, or republican (J) #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:45pm

If history repeats itself than I am SO getting a dinosaur. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:44pm

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:43pm

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?" #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:41pm

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:40pm

A[r(cosθ+isinθ)] 1/n =r 1/n (cosθ+2kπ n +isinθ+2kπ n ) k=0,1,…,n−1 The first step is admiting you have a problem. #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:39pm

A friend of mine told me he got a new Thesaurus….Man, I wish I had a dinosaur too! #thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:38pm

So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....#thedailyjeff
Posted By: #thedailyjeff - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:36pm

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room. For Jesus.
Posted By: Evilbirdbath - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.8.14 @ 13:06pm

Don't judge a book by i'ts cover rather judge it by the number of i'ts pages.the more number of the pages the more boring it becomes
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.7.14 @ 10:05am

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