If nothing can travel faster than light how does the darkness always get there first

I am somewhere between being too old for Snapchat and not being quit old enough for Life alert.

I think all my missing socks have been reincarnated as plastic food storage lids.

They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.

"That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." Said no one ever.

My grandfather saw the titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen. He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema...

Parent spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

In 2018, Easter and April Fool's Day are on the same day. Poor planning if Jesus decides to come back this year. Did you hear? Jesus is risen. Yea yea yea I know. April Fools!

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If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

“Its Groundhog’s Day, I saw my own shadow. It’s official. Six more weeks of dieting.”

Marriages are like water heaters they sit peacefully for years until they explode in a fireball ruining everything thing you have.

So like, this rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98. So he rounded them up.

Neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink", the bartender replies, for you no charge

Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.

I lost a game of chess to my computer. But it was no match at kickboxing.

I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's OK.

In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.