I am always willing to go that extra mile; I just won’t stop to ask directions.

I never fail to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

I don't get people that say "they were busting their ass"? Wasn't it already cracked to begin with?

Saw I sign which read "This door is alarmed" so I gently rubbed it letting it know everything is going to be fine.

Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.

I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

Bet you can keep the the "Funny" & "Not Funny" number even

I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks.....now I wake up feeling like a bounced check

I remember 2017 like it was yesterday

Been to the gym doing leg exercises, my Psychiatrist said I was "Unstable", so yeah, I took the initiative.................

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

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Back before the internet I owned a newspaper. Once I used it to to whap my dog after he peed on the carpet.

There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

My new party trick: I swallow 2 pieces of string. An hour later, they come out of my butt, tied together. I shit you knot!!

Today I did nothing...I will continue tomorrow doing nothing...as I am NOT a quitter.

when my child drinks her baby bottle and passes out afterwards my wife becomes happy but when i drink my bottle and pas out my wife has a problem with that.

Censorship is truly █████████ and that's all I've got to say about it.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

never change to be accepted by others... Stay weird

My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room of the house but I said nah that's overkill, so we compromised and there's a Christmas tree in every room.

I'll never trust what's in Hamburger Helper until the 5th finger is found.