Does that mean that all the other Fridays are bad?

Happy Good Friday... Just remember that a rabbit came back from the dead to make sure kids painted eggs back in 1492.

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan should do a remake of "You've Got Mail" called "Swipe Right" where he plays the owner of a once-relevant chain of brick-and-mortar bookstores and she plays the CEO of a big online marketplace that's putting him out of business.

Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid; I was petrified

I Wish women would label their products better in the bathroom, just borrowed my wife’s underarm deodorant in the pink bottle with the roll-on, did not know Nair Hair removal came in a Roll-On !!!

Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...

I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.

If nothing can travel faster than light how does the darkness always get there first

I am somewhere between being too old for Snapchat and not being quit old enough for Life alert.

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I think all my missing socks have been reincarnated as plastic food storage lids.

They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.

"That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." Said no one ever.

My grandfather saw the titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen. He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema...

Parent spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

In 2018, Easter and April Fool's Day are on the same day. Poor planning if Jesus decides to come back this year. Did you hear? Jesus is risen. Yea yea yea I know. April Fools!

If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

“Its Groundhog’s Day, I saw my own shadow. It’s official. Six more weeks of dieting.”