Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe.

Bored? Broke? Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week? Would you like to earn hundreds of dollars every month? Then get a f*cking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastards.:)

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.

Why does my wife think that giving me the silent treatment is punishment?

Somewhere in Nigeria there's a prince who's depressed because nobody takes his emails seriously.

Decaf actually works like regular coffee if you pour a piping hot cup of it onto your lap.

Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.

Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, you can go back to blaming other things for personal difficulties in life.

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Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.

Never nod your head in agreement when you don't fully understand the question. That is how I got married the first time.

I always thought air was free until I bought a bag of crisps

I have a friend who just happens to also be a cannibal. He told me today that he is completely fed up with people.

safe drinking rule. "don't drink and browse"

Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.

Sometimes I awaken like a matador, wondering what kinda bull I'm gonna face during the day.

I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

Lent was invented so Catholics could take another shot at their New Year’s resolutions.

Why was the tomato red? Because it saw the salad dressing