Has anyone seen the movie Constipated? No? ...Thats because it hasnt come out yet.

Condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll

You know that trick where you pull the table cloth off and the glass still stays on the table? Tried that with a yoga mat. Wife's pissed

Have you ever seen a baby horse trying to stand for the first time? That's what I look like getting out of bed in the morning.

Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches

If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?

They say that every time you walk into a bar, the devil walks in with you. To that I say: He'll buy his own dam drinks!

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now.

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

Social media is one of the few scenarios where people enjoy being followed by strangers.

My kindle fire reads “50 shades of grey” to me. It’s like having an obscene phone call from Steven Hawking.

If my ex was a vegetable, she'd be a cabbitch.

You don't know this, but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby, the rest of us applaud.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "There's one!"

After I saw her family tree, I had the urge to buy a chainsaw and a log splitter.... the stump grinder is on back order

Do you ever look at your children and think "you are getting so grown, I swear I changed your diaper yesterday and now here you are ..... Changing mine?"

I applied for a job that says "no facial hair" and must admit that shaving one's eyebrows and lashes for work is a strange request.

Selfies, and drama, and memes oh my!