My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere.

I'm writing a love poem called "Put the Dishes in the Dishwasher, But Not Like That".

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.

Always jingle all the way...nobody likes a half-a$$ed jingler.

If your EX calls you at 2AM saying they can't sleep, tell them to read Isaiah 48:22, "There is no rest for the wicked".

It's so cold outside that the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.

You keep saying that I use words in the wrong way, but can you please be a little more Pacific?

Life is like a series of days, one after another.

You follow instructions very well... are you married?

If You Say You’Re Cooler Than Me….Does That Make Me Hotter Than You ?

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.

You know it was a rough night when your IPhone doesn't recognize you in the morning.

a lady asked me if i was an alcoholic ,i retorted wine-o

If I ever post something that sickens you, please let me know before it goes viral.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

I'm not saying I'm a thug, but I spent the first two years of my life behind bars.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry

Be yourself... Everyone else is already taken