The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

You probably already know this but if not you can thank me later. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you’re in the shower, smack your bottom and then steal your clothes and towel. To change this option, go to Privacy Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings > Smacking and Stealing Settings, and uncheck the Shenanigans box.

Many people don't realize that you can actually read something with which you don't agree and just move right on along with your life. Morons!

I eat out alone. A lot. And yet the hostess always asks if its a table for two. So now I just smile knowingly and whisper "Can you see her too?"

Lately while travelling I have begun telling the cashier at Starbuck's that my name is Spartacus. When moments later an unsuspecting barista completes my order and timidly says "Spartacus?," I pounce. "I AM SPARTACUS!" I boom in my outside voice.

Next time you're in line at an amusement park, turn, make eye contact with the person behind you and say "This is the ride that killed Jimmy."

A friend of mine texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" Unfortunately, post autocorrect my response was "Moo!" I feel I'm the victim here but try telling that to a woman you just mooed at.

In my opinion, the perfect crime is pulling off a bacon heist. After all, money isn't always the most important thing in life.

A guy just knocked on my door asking for donations to the local swimming pool! I gave him a glass of water, and he started yelling at me!!! What did I do wrong?

I've plumped up my ass, for the day Karma finally decides to bite me in it...

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I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me...

when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking

Has anyone seen the movie Constipated? No? ...Thats because it hasnt come out yet.

Condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll

You know that trick where you pull the table cloth off and the glass still stays on the table? Tried that with a yoga mat. Wife's pissed

Have you ever seen a baby horse trying to stand for the first time? That's what I look like getting out of bed in the morning.

Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches

If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?