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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Back before the internet I owned a newspaper. Once I used it to to whap my dog after he peed on the carpet.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 12.30.17 @ 16:09pm

There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.27.17 @ 06:11am

My new party trick: I swallow 2 pieces of string. An hour later, they come out of my butt, tied together. I shit you knot!!
Posted By: R. Crew - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.24.17 @ 10:15am

Today I did nothing...I will continue tomorrow doing nothing...as I am NOT a quitter.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 12.15.17 @ 10:28am

when my child drinks her baby bottle and passes out afterwards my wife becomes happy but when i drink my bottle and pas out my wife has a problem with that.
Posted By: Mich - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 12.14.17 @ 07:01am

Censorship is truly █████████ and that's all I've got to say about it.
Posted By: Sage - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.13.17 @ 14:39pm

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
Posted By: Tricia D - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.13.17 @ 07:28am

never change to be accepted by others... Stay weird
Posted By: Solomon Swan - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 12.8.17 @ 11:07am

My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room of the house but I said nah that's overkill, so we compromised and there's a Christmas tree in every room.
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:59am

I'll never trust what's in Hamburger Helper until the 5th finger is found.
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:54am

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I often convince myself that I enjoy the company of others. Then, I spend time with them, and remember that I don't.
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:49am

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:47am

I'm writing a love poem called "Put the Dishes in the Dishwasher, But Not Like That".
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:43am

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:41am

Always jingle all the way...nobody likes a half-a$$ed jingler.
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:39am

If your EX calls you at 2AM saying they can't sleep, tell them to read Isaiah 48:22, "There is no rest for the wicked".
Posted By: Guest...:) - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:37am

It's so cold outside that the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.
Posted By: Guest...:D - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 12.6.17 @ 06:27am

You keep saying that I use words in the wrong way, but can you please be a little more Pacific?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 12.1.17 @ 17:17pm

Life is like a series of days, one after another.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 12.1.17 @ 14:55pm

You follow instructions very well... are you married?
Posted By: Feller - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 11.28.17 @ 18:28pm

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