Bet you can keep the the "Funny" & "Not Funny" number even

I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks.....now I wake up feeling like a bounced check

I remember 2017 like it was yesterday

Been to the gym doing leg exercises, my Psychiatrist said I was "Unstable", so yeah, I took the initiative.................

Back before the internet I owned a newspaper. Once I used it to to whap my dog after he peed on the carpet.

There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

My new party trick: I swallow 2 pieces of string. An hour later, they come out of my butt, tied together. I shit you knot!!

Today I did nothing...I will continue tomorrow doing nothing...as I am NOT a quitter.

when my child drinks her baby bottle and passes out afterwards my wife becomes happy but when i drink my bottle and pas out my wife has a problem with that.

Censorship is truly █████████ and that's all I've got to say about it.

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If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

never change to be accepted by others... Stay weird

My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room of the house but I said nah that's overkill, so we compromised and there's a Christmas tree in every room.

I'll never trust what's in Hamburger Helper until the 5th finger is found.

I often convince myself that I enjoy the company of others. Then, I spend time with them, and remember that I don't.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere.

I'm writing a love poem called "Put the Dishes in the Dishwasher, But Not Like That".

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.

Always jingle all the way...nobody likes a half-a$$ed jingler.

If your EX calls you at 2AM saying they can't sleep, tell them to read Isaiah 48:22, "There is no rest for the wicked".