I'm not saying I'm a thug, but I spent the first two years of my life behind bars.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry

Be yourself... Everyone else is already taken

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

How hard would it have been for one of the counselors to say, "Hey, somebody should check up on that Voorhees kid."

A blind guy walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair....

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying right now I swear to God..

Hating people takes too much energy . I just pretend they're dead .

Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason.

I hope my friends who have profile pictures as cars are Autobots and not Decepticons!

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

Darn autocorrect. Now the wife thinks I'm going fisting with the guys this weekend

I love cats, i just can't eat a whole one by myself.

So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

Wife: do i look fat in these jeans?.....husban: dont blame it on those jeans..i seen you naked..

Today I felt like the butcher who backed into his grinder... I got a little behind in my work.

Mondays are middle finger approved

So this mechanic told me that my engine was missing. I opened the hood to show him that it wasn't. He also tried to tell me that my tires needed to be rotated. They do that all day while I drive around. Nobody's going to rip me off, man.

Too old for Snapchat, too young for life alert

I got booted from my job at the computer company, they hired me back but then I got rebooted.

I've got an 8-Track mind in an MP3 world.............