My sex life could be better if my wife would just get along with my girlfriend.

OH MY GOD! IT'S ALIENS! They're here, they're right outside! I can see their ship. It has flickering light that . . . wait a sec . . . Yep, that's a plane.

No shoes No shirt no service but where does it say anything about assless chaps..I yelled to the manager as I was being forced out

Monica Lewensky has just announced she won't vote for Hillary Clinton. She says the last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

That moment when you realize that the person who you were talking to left the room a few minutes ago.

Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

its good to know that your ex is dating someone you can draw with your left hand

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "You're under arrest, get in the basket."

Today I will live in the moment.....unless it's unpleasant.....and if that happens I will just eat a cookie (and wash it down with a glass of wine)

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I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

My GPS just told me to go inside and ask for directions..........

I am not sure what I am more thankful for, my family or the medication that helps me to deal with them.......................

Great thing about this status is once you reach the point when you realize that it is meaningless it's too late for your mind to stop reading it.

Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”

Why do people say they're "scared shitless"? As opposed to what? Being calm and full of shit? And that's supposed to be better somehow...

it's over....I will miss you dearly, I enjoyed every day we had. I knew it wouldn't last and I tried not to think of you leaving. But last night when I crawled into bed and had to face the cold feeling I knew our time has ended.....so long summer - hello winter blankets

Life is like trying to get the brownie out of a TV dinner in one piece...

it's really funny how they say that music reaches the heart and soul... but they didn't say it reached the brain.

Facebook understands that some human beings are like chemicals, they must react