A friend of mine told me he got a new Thesaurus….Man, I wish I had a dinosaur too! ‪#‎thedailyjeff‬

I sent a text to a friend of mine whose aunt had a heart attack. It was supposed to say, “How’s your aunt doing?” Somehow I hit the C instead of A. Truly awkward. #thedailyjeff

Facebook is starting to be like my fridge, I know nothing is there but I keep checking it anyway...

What is your favorite childhood memory? Mine is not paying bills. #thedailyjeff

4 things you need to give your cat a bath...... (1) A cat of course. (2) A tub. (3) Water. (4) Band-Aids, lots of Band-Aids................

My wife told me that I am "Childish and need to grow up", all that coming from someone who has girl germs and cooties..........

This is the worst dating website ever!

I was never one to always do what I am told. It paid off for me today when I was walking down a hallway and saw a sign that read "Wet Floor"............................

I don’t care what people think of me…at least mosquitoes find me really attractive. #thedailyjeff

I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do? #thedailyjeff

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

        www.multiplechoicetrivia.com

No matter how lost and misguided you may feel, just remember, there are still people wandering around out on the streets looking for pokemon

Never trust the voices in your head that question your sanity................

I don't remember the last time I forgot something :D :P

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and Marine World will have security escort you off the property.

This morning I accidentally drank two energy drinks .Now My house is decorated for Christmas.

Hey can I get a picture of you? I'm collecting natures disasters

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, all that matters is that you enjoy the drink inside it.

My fake plants died, because i didn't pretend to water them..

When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.