I'm not funny. I'm very mean and people think I'm joking

Life would be a lot easier if people had a tail so you can see whether or not it's wagging after you did or said something.

Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

Life is like a bowl of soup, you only get blown if you're hot.

Camping out - is when you spend lots of money to look homeless.

Being an adult is pretty easy when you think about it. You just feel tired all the time, tell people how tired you are and listen to them tell you how tired they are.

My doctor asked me if i was a hard drinker? i said no, i find it very easy..

Life is like a box of chocolates... I don't have a box of chocolates either.

That awkward moment between birth and death!!

I want a treadmill powered by Netflix account which only plays shows when I run. I'll call it SweatFlix. Somebody get on this..

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

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I want my girlfriend to look at guys the way taxi drivers look at me when I ask for a free lift

Marriage: She finishes my Sentences, I finish her Sandwiches..............

I took acid and now I completely understand where Dr. Doolittle was coming from.

Netflix needs a "chill" off button. They keep asking if I'm still watching. Yes Netflix! I'm home alone stop rubbing it in!

Cooking too much bacon is like trying to stick your elbow in your ear... It just ain't gonna happen!

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

It is always a good policy to count to 10 when you are angry, but don't choke them any longer than that..................

If I'm Driving You Crazy, Please Remember To Put Your Seatbelt On.

I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.

The gym will always be there, but the beer in the fridge won't.