It's so cold outside that the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.

You keep saying that I use words in the wrong way, but can you please be a little more Pacific?

Life is like a series of days, one after another.

You follow instructions very well... are you married?

If You Say You’Re Cooler Than Me….Does That Make Me Hotter Than You ?

How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.

You know it was a rough night when your IPhone doesn't recognize you in the morning.

a lady asked me if i was an alcoholic ,i retorted wine-o

If I ever post something that sickens you, please let me know before it goes viral.

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site

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Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

I'm not saying I'm a thug, but I spent the first two years of my life behind bars.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry

Be yourself... Everyone else is already taken

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

How hard would it have been for one of the counselors to say, "Hey, somebody should check up on that Voorhees kid."

A blind guy walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair....

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying right now I swear to God..

Hating people takes too much energy . I just pretend they're dead .