The liquor store clerk just wished me a Happy New Year. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

If you get excited that jumping on the bed won't spill the wineglass on the other side, you're probably an alcoholic.

Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"

Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers

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Hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

It's amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.

Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar