Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.

Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.

Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.

I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.

Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.

I've done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.

Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.

Coffee, you're on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!

Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

If you want to bribe me food and beer works.

I don't have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I'll be celebrating that tonight.

If we agree, I'm probably being sarcastic ... Or I'm drunk

I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.

Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

Maybe vodka is addicted to me

Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels

Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you're the reason she drinks.

Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."