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PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.
Category: funny drinking status update on Saturday, 09.20.14 @ 12:15pm

Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Category: funny drinking status update on Wednesday, 09.17.14 @ 10:12am

I'm always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Category: funny drinking status update on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:06pm

No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Category: funny drinking status update on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:04pm

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd love to bring a guest.
Category: funny drinking status update on Monday, 09.15.14 @ 11:29am

Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Category: funny drinking status update on Monday, 09.15.14 @ 11:29am

I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Category: funny drinking status update on Monday, 09.15.14 @ 11:27am

If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Category: funny drinking status update on Sunday, 09.14.14 @ 10:36am

I've been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Category: funny drinking status update on Sunday, 09.14.14 @ 10:36am

Just once I want my boss to assume I'm tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Category: funny drinking status update on Sunday, 09.14.14 @ 10:35am

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No great story started with someone drinking water.
Category: funny drinking status update on Thursday, 09.11.14 @ 12:48pm

If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Category: funny drinking status update on Thursday, 09.11.14 @ 12:46pm

If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...
Category: funny drinking status update on Wednesday, 09.10.14 @ 13:34pm

The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Category: funny drinking status update on Wednesday, 09.10.14 @ 13:29pm

Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Category: funny drinking status update on Wednesday, 09.10.14 @ 13:23pm

If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Category: funny drinking status update on Tuesday, 09.9.14 @ 12:52pm

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Category: funny drinking status update on Friday, 09.5.14 @ 11:21am

Your personality needs alcohol.
Category: funny drinking status update on Friday, 09.5.14 @ 11:20am

People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
Category: funny drinking status update on Wednesday, 09.3.14 @ 11:53am

Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Category: funny drinking status update on Wednesday, 09.3.14 @ 11:46am

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