The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

Thank goodness I'm loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can't blame it on the alcohol.

Water is so good when it's mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.

Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store

I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol

A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...

If you're going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don't be open.

The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.

You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?

I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.

Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”

Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”

"I can't wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver

WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling

I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Hangovers are nature's way of grounding you as an adult.

"I'll drink to that." -me to my next drink

I'm celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!