The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks

When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

If you can't handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out

Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.

I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.

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If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I'm bringin' home the Gold! USA! USA!

Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.

You guys are even more beautiful now that I'm wearing my "wine glasses".

“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.

If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.

This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.

Never take advice from me, you'll only end up drunk......