Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.

I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What've you got?

I'm a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.

Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you're no detective

DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.

Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."

I'm opening a bar called The Office. You're welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I'm at The Office"

I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.

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Let me drink about it and get back to you.

If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.

This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.

Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don't drink.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.

Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."