I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I'd throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.

When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you're not.

Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

When people ask me what I'm going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk

When I drink I become everybody's friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I'm sober.

I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.

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Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.

Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”

PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.

Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

I'm always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka

No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd love to bring a guest.

Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.

I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.