I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they're easier to spot when I go through the bar's lost and found box.

When I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/Win!!

This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I'm like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.

It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.

I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...

I'm really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.

Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!

My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151

Drunk people are the only honest ones left.

I love water. Especially when it's frozen and surrounded by vodka.

I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band.

I'm Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....

I'll drink enough for both of us, because I'm just a caring person.

This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

Not quite feeling myself today. I'm going to see if booze helps...

I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.

It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.

Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today