Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?

Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Let's drink till this day makes some sort of sense.

You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...

I'm a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.

The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I'll play mine.

Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

I know I've had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.

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Why can't the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.

Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.

I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.

I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I'd throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.

When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you're not.