The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.

If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.

Your personality needs alcohol.

People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.

Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.

You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.

Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I'm tipping my ATM more than my bartender.

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.

My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink

You know you're getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!

"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers

And for my next magic trick, I'll walk down a street and turn into a bar.

Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved