If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

I've been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.

Just once I want my boss to assume I'm tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.

No great story started with someone drinking water.

If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!

If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...

The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.

If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.

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Your personality needs alcohol.

People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.

Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.

You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.

Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I'm tipping my ATM more than my bartender.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.