I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.

Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

I met a lady named Polly once. She didn't care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.

I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.

Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.

If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"

You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.

If I'm not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.

The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut

I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.

The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won't go away.

If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.