I went to McDonald's to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn't handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))

I'm returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I'm returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald's breakfast menu back out to 11am.

I don't always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.

Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.

To stupidity ... And beyond!!

If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.

Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

If you want to bribe me food and beer works.

Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.

The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”

You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.

I don't have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I'll be celebrating that tonight.

You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!

I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." but the judge didn't buy it.

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.