Survival rule #1: You go first.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...

I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.

We're all just nudists in disguise...

OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)

Today I think I'll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)

"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't wanna see you everyday.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.

there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.

Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.

You had me at Rice Krispies Treats

It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

When I hear a person say "My Mom didn't raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"

Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I'll remember you.

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI

Australian kiss. It's kind of like a French kiss, but down under.