Sometimes when I'm bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I'm an apple.

Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.

Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...

my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!

I smile when I'm having dirty thoughts :)

I'm so pissed right now! I'm about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...

The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?

I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.

I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn't under this 12 pack, so I'll look tomorrow. 

Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...

I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you're talking about

Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.

I don't feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer

Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator

I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.

This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.

I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.

I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.