I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I'm YOU from the future!"

Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion

Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive

Never make eye contact while eating a banana

When I'm home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer

Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth

What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.

The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.

They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.