Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.

I don't feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer

Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator

I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.

This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.

I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.

I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I'm YOU from the future!"

Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion

Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive

Never make eye contact while eating a banana

When I'm home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer

Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth

What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.