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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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I don't care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:52am

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:51am

"Memory foam pillow fights". That's one fight you'll never forget.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:51am

Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:51am

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:51am

Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:51am

I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:51am

I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:50am

Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:50am

I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:50am

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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I'm like "That's enough exercise for today"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:50am

A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:50am

Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:49am

Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:49am

When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:49am

I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:49am

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:49am

$100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:48am

Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:48am

I feel like people who don't have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.12.17 @ 09:47am

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