Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

Tequila... cuz the bed isn't goin to spin itself!

am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status

If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I'm grounded.

Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.

I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.

Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.

The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.

How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?

Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who's shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.

I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

I've been hiding from exercise ... I'm in the fitness protection program.

Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.

I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.

Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can't reach.