Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who's shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.

I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

I've been hiding from exercise ... I'm in the fitness protection program.

Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.

I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.

Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can't reach.

My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.

I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

Girlfriend: You're acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can't drink.

Decisions decisions ... Guess I'll drink on it.

I'm allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.

Why can't Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!

GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you'll occupy only one part of me...but i'll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.

If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?

I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!

Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.

Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.