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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:09pm

Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:09pm

I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:09pm

Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:09pm

All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:08pm

Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:08pm

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:08pm

Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:08pm

You can't watch the news and drink a glass of water at the same time anymore.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:07pm

It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:07pm

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I'm just glad chicken breast don't have nipples
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:07pm

I bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:06pm

If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:06pm

If you get excited that jumping on the bed won't spill the wineglass on the other side, you're probably an alcoholic.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:05pm

When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:05pm

If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:04pm

First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:03pm

Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:03pm

There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:03pm

Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Sunday, 09.30.18 @ 13:03pm

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