Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.

Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.

I'm a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you're responsible for this."

My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”

I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

Rapper; "I'm killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."

don't kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..

I'm sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.

If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.

You're so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.

Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They're often referred to as the half life of any party.

Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"

Hello...

Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™

Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship

"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.

Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I'm Awesome. Then WE DANCE.