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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 09.17.14 @ 10:10am

The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 09.17.14 @ 10:10am

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 09.17.14 @ 10:10am

Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 09.17.14 @ 05:25am

Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 18:31pm

I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:07pm

This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:07pm

I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:07pm

Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation's children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:07pm

I'm always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:06pm

Check out our new Multiple Choice Trivia Site
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:06pm

According to serving sizes tonight, I'm a family of 4.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:06pm

Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:06pm

My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:05pm

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:05pm

I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:05pm

Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:05pm

I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:05pm

No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:04pm

Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.16.14 @ 12:04pm

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