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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Messing up a guyís hair = cute. Messing up a girlís hair = putting your life on the line.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn't just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Itís like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:17pm

Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:16pm

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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn't work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 11.21.14 @ 13:15pm

Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:10am

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:10am

Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:10am

Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now Iím heading north to start a new life.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:09am

A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:09am

Best of luck explaining why youíre still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isnít.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:09am

Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:09am

My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:09am

The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 11.20.14 @ 11:09am

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