Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I'm one hell of a fitness freak

I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.

A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!

It must be exhausting being offended by everything.

Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.

I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

It's the little things in life that count, like pills.

Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.

The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?

You don't have to be crazy to work here ... We'll train you.

You have no idea how funny I am to me.

Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.

I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.

The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.