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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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You know you're non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:50pm

Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:49pm

I'm combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:49pm

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:49pm

I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:49pm

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You're practically begging for typos.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:48pm

They say women only use 10% of their anger
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:48pm

Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn't look amused
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:48pm

Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you'd like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don't mind."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:48pm

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:48pm

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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:47pm

I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:47pm

Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:47pm

Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:47pm

I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:46pm

I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:46pm

Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:46pm

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I'll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:46pm

The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:46pm

I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Wednesday, 03.30.16 @ 16:46pm

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