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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:51pm

Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:51pm

I'm pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:51pm

There's no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:51pm

When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:51pm

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

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I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:50pm

So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:49pm

Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:49pm

When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:49pm

I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:49pm

Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:49pm

DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:48pm

There's no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it's burritos oand salsa
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:48pm

Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It's really a cold water heater.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 01.22.17 @ 19:48pm

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