I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone

We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.

Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

wassup pips! :-) no i don't mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i'm the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)

I'll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..

The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.

Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.

I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

Don't rush me, I'm waiting until the last minute.

Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.

I'd rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.

Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"

What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.

I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It's probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...

Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”