Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They're often referred to as the half life of any party.

Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"

Hello...

Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™

Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship

"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.

Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I'm Awesome. Then WE DANCE.

I've done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.

If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.

I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.

Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?

Sometimes it's nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.

Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it's unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.

I'm a bitch ... What's your excuse?

It needs more cowbell!!

If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?

I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.

So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?

According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...