Girls just wanna have funds.

Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.

I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...

If I had three wishes, I'd use one for boobs. Because I'm pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.

Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

It's too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.

Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.

I went to McDonald's to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn't handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))

I'm returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I'm returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald's breakfast menu back out to 11am.

I don't always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.

Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.

To stupidity ... And beyond!!

If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.

Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

If you want to bribe me food and beer works.

Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.