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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:33pm

This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:33pm

Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it's because you're a whore.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:33pm

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:33pm

I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:33pm

Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I'm quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:32pm

I've finally stopped drinking for good ... And I've started drinking for evil.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:32pm

Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn't."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:32pm

I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:32pm

If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:32pm

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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:32pm

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:31pm

The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:31pm

I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:31pm

"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let's fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:31pm

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:31pm

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:31pm

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn't improved since fourth grade.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:30pm

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:30pm

My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it's acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 01.2.17 @ 17:30pm

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