It needs more cowbell!!

If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?

I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.

So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?

According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

I'd love to drown my problems... I just can't get my spouse to go swimming!

The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.

If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…

It's amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I'm in the shower or when I'm driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.

Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!

One quality I'm not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille

I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone

We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.

Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

wassup pips! :-) no i don't mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i'm the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)

I'll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..

The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.

Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.

I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.